NaBloPoMo Day9: Guilt

I haven’t kept up with days 7 & 8 as a lot of unpleasant things have happened at once. One of my best friends has broken her back with is on of the scariest things I can imagine happening, luckily it hasn’t done any nerve damage. And after this and more I still feel weirdly guilty over not posting. Which got me thinking how strange an emotion like guilt is. It’s a daily drive of nearly all of my days but is that healthy ???

In the modern day everyone is fighting for that top spot whether it’s exams, or a position in work. Sadly it’s the same for me, even though my university place isn’t dependent of my alevel results being high I still feel this strange overwhelming guilt if I’m not spending the majority of my time studying. I don’t know where this guilt come from I just remember this foreign feeling coming more and more known through out my second year of college. It’s certainly not from my parents who have always left things up to me and have never been upset at my for not getting a high mark, just upset for me because I didn’t. I don’t know if it’s second hand society guilt where its constantly broadcasted that if you aren’t a beautiful person in a high position of power you don’t matter. Or if it’s my crazy need to prove myself and be the ‘good’ child. I will probably feel like a let down for taking an art route in life even if my parents are fine with it until I some how do well and prove myself, which knowing me I’ll probably succeed in. It maybe down to this guilt I unwantingly carry around with me that drives me to success but a bigger part of me wants it to be from just being actually good at what I do and enjoying what I do creating for the sake of just loving art.

It’s one of the many things worming its way through my brain lately more than most with the UCAS forms needing to be completed, good luck to anyone else in the same boat. Plus I’ve made up a new word ‘unwantingly’ I like it.


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